Life

Hectic.

Fun.

Depressing.

Silly.

Stressful.

Relaxing.

Sometimes it's hard to tell up from down.

So.

There is this girl...

And I can't get her off my mind.

At first I thought I NEVER had a chance with her because I didn't know if she swung "that way". But then I found out she did... kind of. And I couldn't help but hope. Though I'm attracted to girls, I don't really find myself having crushes on a lot of females. And really, I don't think I've ever crushed on someone as much I have with her.

Then in one conversation she admitted to not being the relationship type. And a bit shallow.

And then while joking around with some friends, it was made known that I have no chance with her (not a hurtful/poking fun kind of joke though, no worries).

Awesome.

So. Fucking. Awesome.

I should not listen to my ovaries.

Honestly. I'm sitting in the student union and the table next to me there is a girl who is about my age with a baby boy. And me being completely ridiculous is envious of her. I know that having a baby would completely change my life and probably not in the best way.

But yet I'm jealous. Knock it out ovaries, you're making me depressed.

New corset, I'm deeply in love with it.

RAGE!!!!!!!!

So you know that feeling you get when you're all happy and you don't think anything could possible go wrong and then BAM! something goes wrong?

Yeah, well I'm experiencing that right now. X1000000000000000000.

Today was going well and Japanese was fun and some of my class mates and I are putting together a study group for the class, which I'm excited about because one of these classmates I'm really interested in. So I get back to my room and start printing things out so I can go to my Psych study group and I thought to myself, "Oh, I should take the quiz now and get it over with" (thinking that I had till monday to get it done). I get to the quiz page and guess what? I can't take it. Why? Because it didn't End monday, it started monday and today at 12 pm was the last day to take it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This is the 2nd quiz I've missed for this class!!! Thankfully he's a push over and drops the 3 lowest quiz grades. Meaning I've already filled up 2/3.

Good mood = Gone.

So i'm missing home.

I have to worst case of homesickness ever. And it's not like I'm not happy to be here, to be given the chance to get a better education. But when I think about home, my mom, my sister, my dad, my friends... my animals! I can't help but get depressed. But the depression comes from when I think about my mom. My sister will be graduating high school this year. My mom's last baby is on her way to eventually moving out. And I know she'll have Steve and Colin, so it's not like she'll have an empty nest. But I can't help but think how depressing it must feel to see your children leaving home.

Maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe that type of thinking just stems off of my fear of finally growing up. I remember thinking about how nice it would be to finally be older and living my own life. But now I can't help but want to stay a kid forever. To never leave that safety that has become my home. I always want my mom to be down the hall.

I'm not ready. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.

Oh hey

So I know I haven't really posted in a lONG while. But here I am.

Posting.

I don't really have much to say. I'm in florida right now, burnt as HELL! Holy god I don't remember the last time I've had sun burn so bad. It's even up my neck. I'VE NEVER HAD SUN BURN ON MY NECK! I blame the ocean.

I wish I had pictures to show you, but I haven't really been in a picture-y type of mood. I kind of miss it.

But in other news, I have a journal. And I'm thinking of posting some of what I wrote from that journal onto here. I've chosen a whole new method of writing that I think has been going really well for me. Instead of reporting on my day, I really just choose something that I've thought about during the day and expand on that. So far I've written about my Grandma, soul sucking cameras, funny clouds and who I'm going to marry. It's kind of all over the place.

I like it.

So yeah. I'm missing everyone big time and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I haven't really been home and spending time with people and I've just been... vacationing? a lot. I realized that when I get home I have about 5-6 days to pack for school. Not just a couple days worth of clothes. But MY ROOM. I have to get clothes packed, desk stuff, room stuff, bedding, supplies! I feel so unprepared. It doesn't help that my Dad has planned a 3 day weekend in the dells 3 days after I get home. It's nice and everything, but I just don't feel like I have time. And I don't want to blow my dad off because I feel like I haven't gotten to spend time with him for a large part of the summer. So I guess I just have to deal with what I have. Maybe hire some people to help?

And when I say hire, I really mean bribe them with love and food. Because that's really all I have to offer.

Fucking serious?

I can't really explain how I feel right about now. It's a mixture of anger and amusement.

She acts all high and mighty and uses anything she can to hurt you but doesn't realize how STUPID that makes her look. You really think I care about why you have to say anymore? I've made it obvious that I don't want to be your friend so move on and leave me alone. It's over, done, finito (is that a word?)!

And now it's time to wait for the other stooge to say something. That way she can get her say in and it'll all be over. I'm sure as fuck ready to just live my life.

I have too much to look for to. This doesn't mean shit.

It's been too long

So I realize that I haven't been posting very often. But I really don't have anything to say. I don't want to just post all of my shitty thoughts on here, but it seems that when I have something to say it always tends to be my unhappy ramblings.

So lately there is one friend who I just can not take anymore. I don't know what he wants from everyone...attention? Cuz right now that's what it seems. All he does is bitch and moan about how hard life is for him.... You know what? Your life isn't hard. You sit at home on your ass all day or you hang out with people, you bring drama upon yourself and whine about how stressful it is.

And you know what else? You are no better than those boy-sick teen girls who think they need a man to define themselves. So what she broke up with you... So what she's dating someone else. MOVE ON! You're only 19 for fuck's sake. AND SHE'S 17! I don't see how it's really worth all this "heart-ache". You have plenty of life to live, plenty of girls to date. There is no need to try to find "the-one" right now. Seriously, get over it.

Onto better news, it looks like I'll have a good $200 back in my pocket (minus what ever interest I owe the IRS) from taxes. That makes me happy....so happy, I think I'll be taking a drive out to Marengo for a new fish!

An enemy for Tikki-Tee, he's getting lonely. Some friendly competition!

Felt like I haven't posted in a long time. Really haven't been up to much besides getting ready for finals. Come to think of it I really need to work on my sociology lessons. But seriously if I fail this class it won't be a problem cuz I've got at least 13 credits from the last semester so I only need 9 more to be considered a sophomore next year.

Right I'm watching Avatar now. So... Just thought i'd say hi!

So I think it's really fucking awesome when we make plans together then you turn around and tell me your computer is first priority then on top of that, when we're supposed to hang out no one can get a hold of you! Hey gee thanks! I love feeling like I'm your friend. And really I want to thank you for the text this morning, "I fell asleep". No sorry? No hey let me make it up to you?

Yeah fuck you.

So I had this dream last night that I had this teacher, who looked strangely like my philosophy teacher, who had this odd obsession with pirates and so we all built this pirate ship and we were gonna go somewhere. A big part of this was acquiring a whole bunch of pirate stuff, clothes, weapons, etc... My character (i wasn't me in the dream) had this weird draw towards knives and when i got a bunch i kept them for myself and then one of the other students figured it out and told the teacher. When the teacher figured it out he brought me up to the very top of the ship ( i was afraid i was gonna fall off) and by top i mean the very top of the sails. he then proceeded to tell me the importance of all the stuff we can get. Then we got down and went back to the room where the other students were and i transformed back into myself (as in i looked like me in the dream). At the end i was with frank and dameon in a car...i can't remember what happened after that. it was odd....

Dear Ayla,

i really wish this would tell me when i had a comment cuz i probably would have responded to the comments you gave me!

Love,

Darien

Grow a pair already.

I am so fucking tired about people whining. Pointless, annoying whining.

"Boohoo my art isn't as good as everyone else's, I don't know what I want to draw, wah wah wah..." WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK?! I certainly don't! I'm done trying to convince you that you are an amazing artist with so much potential, but if you don't realize it yourself you are going to be a shitty artist.

And you want to call me passive aggressive? well fuck you! I'm not the one pretty much flat out telling me I have no clue what I'm talking about "but whatever". Who's the passive aggressive little shit now you dumb bitch??

You were the one who decided to go to art school. You were the one who decided to pay a shit ton of money to go to a school you KNEW was gonna be hard for a career that is going to land you in the streets.

I'm not gonna be part of your pity party. No way fucking Jose.

Stop complaining and do something.

mmm...fiber

Soo, just got home from class. Feel like shit, hungry as fuck (I even just ate a fiber one bar).

Had an overall fun day though. Had a pic-a-nic with Ayla and Crystal, twas good. Made yummy delicious vegie/spinach dip in about 5 minutes.

I have some warring thoughts in my head that I want to post but I'm unsure where because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

But anyways, I'm gonna stop typing now cuz there really isn't a point because my mind is blank than a white piece of paper. Could you say that BLUE piece of paper is blank?

Wow, sleep time for me!

Tout-a-loo!

I hate how selfish you are. For once lets not talk about you. I'm done talking about you. For once will you leave yourself bubble and ask if I'm okay?

Or are you the only one allowed to have problems?

Hello Blog 1,326

I have this horrible habit of creating blogs and never updating/keep up with them. I don't know if it's because I lose interest with them or for the lack of followers, but I never really bother to use them. I've been getting better about keeping up with my newer ones http://love-is-vanity.livejournal.com/ http://twitter.com/LilAppletini http://sleeplessuburbia.tumblr.com/ )

Does twitter count as a blog?

But seriously, I'll try to be good about posting. They may not be very long, but it will happen.

Pinky promise.