Life

Hectic.

Fun.

Depressing.

Silly.

Stressful.

Relaxing.

Sometimes it's hard to tell up from down.

So.

There is this girl...

And I can't get her off my mind.

At first I thought I NEVER had a chance with her because I didn't know if she swung "that way". But then I found out she did... kind of. And I couldn't help but hope. Though I'm attracted to girls, I don't really find myself having crushes on a lot of females. And really, I don't think I've ever crushed on someone as much I have with her.

Then in one conversation she admitted to not being the relationship type. And a bit shallow.

And then while joking around with some friends, it was made known that I have no chance with her (not a hurtful/poking fun kind of joke though, no worries).

Awesome.

So. Fucking. Awesome.

I should not listen to my ovaries.

Honestly. I'm sitting in the student union and the table next to me there is a girl who is about my age with a baby boy. And me being completely ridiculous is envious of her. I know that having a baby would completely change my life and probably not in the best way.

But yet I'm jealous. Knock it out ovaries, you're making me depressed.

New corset, I'm deeply in love with it.

RAGE!!!!!!!!

So you know that feeling you get when you're all happy and you don't think anything could possible go wrong and then BAM! something goes wrong?

Yeah, well I'm experiencing that right now. X1000000000000000000.

Today was going well and Japanese was fun and some of my class mates and I are putting together a study group for the class, which I'm excited about because one of these classmates I'm really interested in. So I get back to my room and start printing things out so I can go to my Psych study group and I thought to myself, "Oh, I should take the quiz now and get it over with" (thinking that I had till monday to get it done). I get to the quiz page and guess what? I can't take it. Why? Because it didn't End monday, it started monday and today at 12 pm was the last day to take it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! This is the 2nd quiz I've missed for this class!!! Thankfully he's a push over and drops the 3 lowest quiz grades. Meaning I've already filled up 2/3.

Good mood = Gone.

So i'm missing home.

I have to worst case of homesickness ever. And it's not like I'm not happy to be here, to be given the chance to get a better education. But when I think about home, my mom, my sister, my dad, my friends... my animals! I can't help but get depressed. But the depression comes from when I think about my mom. My sister will be graduating high school this year. My mom's last baby is on her way to eventually moving out. And I know she'll have Steve and Colin, so it's not like she'll have an empty nest. But I can't help but think how depressing it must feel to see your children leaving home.

Maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe that type of thinking just stems off of my fear of finally growing up. I remember thinking about how nice it would be to finally be older and living my own life. But now I can't help but want to stay a kid forever. To never leave that safety that has become my home. I always want my mom to be down the hall.

I'm not ready. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.

Oh hey

So I know I haven't really posted in a lONG while. But here I am.

Posting.

I don't really have much to say. I'm in florida right now, burnt as HELL! Holy god I don't remember the last time I've had sun burn so bad. It's even up my neck. I'VE NEVER HAD SUN BURN ON MY NECK! I blame the ocean.

I wish I had pictures to show you, but I haven't really been in a picture-y type of mood. I kind of miss it.

But in other news, I have a journal. And I'm thinking of posting some of what I wrote from that journal onto here. I've chosen a whole new method of writing that I think has been going really well for me. Instead of reporting on my day, I really just choose something that I've thought about during the day and expand on that. So far I've written about my Grandma, soul sucking cameras, funny clouds and who I'm going to marry. It's kind of all over the place.

I like it.

So yeah. I'm missing everyone big time and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I haven't really been home and spending time with people and I've just been... vacationing? a lot. I realized that when I get home I have about 5-6 days to pack for school. Not just a couple days worth of clothes. But MY ROOM. I have to get clothes packed, desk stuff, room stuff, bedding, supplies! I feel so unprepared. It doesn't help that my Dad has planned a 3 day weekend in the dells 3 days after I get home. It's nice and everything, but I just don't feel like I have time. And I don't want to blow my dad off because I feel like I haven't gotten to spend time with him for a large part of the summer. So I guess I just have to deal with what I have. Maybe hire some people to help?

And when I say hire, I really mean bribe them with love and food. Because that's really all I have to offer.